another sad entry? man... i'm just having a lot of mental issues lately i guess?
i might move the blog section of my website to dreamwidth. i made an account on the website today and i am still trying to figure out how it works TBH. if i like it, i might switch. but i also do want to revamp this section of the site in order to include things like my creative writing (fanfiction) and sections for indavidual months and seperate posts next year, or during my winter break. oh yeah, i start school monday! only one of my classes, my fully online course, is showing up on my student portal which is bugging my anxiety a bit. i take 2 classes per semester because it's basically all i can handle. one of my classes this semester is a hybrid course, so i will be doing online elements, but the class is not showing in my portal! i guess i'll wait and see.
speaking of, what do people bring to school? this is a genuine question to anyone reading this, by the way. email me or comment on my NC profile or something. i bought a notebook and set of mechanical pencils, but i don't really have anything else.
for context: from 2nd grade until this wednesday, i have been a full-time online school student. i've never had to leave the house for school since 1st grade. and, it being first grade and apparently being a very difficult time in my life, i don't remember any of it. so i don't really know what i am meant to bring to a lecture or to class. the books are online, and i assume most of the work will be turned in online as well. i only have the notebook for note-taking, but even then i do not know how to take notes, like, at all.
i almost feel like a failure in this aspect, but i know it isn't my fault. i am severely disabled and i was never able to thrive in a traditional brick-and-mortar school environment. but now that i am re-integrating into one (mostly at my mom's request, she wants me to make friends) i feel very much like a fish out of water. i think that's the reason that i never really related to or understood anyone who was having trouble adjusting to online-learning during the start of the pandemic. i had been doing that for the better part of my life and it was a pretty smooth transition for me. just needing to get used to the new layout of everything and trying not to get autism-mad at the changes from high school to college. making friends is completely on the back-burner for me until i am able to understand the new classroom environment and what is expected of me, honestly.
in other news! splatoon 3 is a very, very good game (obviously). i know i mentioned i was probably not going to update the site a lot due to playing the game all weekend, but that leads me to another depressing topic, yay. i will keep this bit brief because i don't expect a lot of people to be interested in or relate to this (not that i expect people to relate to any of my writing, but that is not the point)
having to come to terms with the fact my disability is slowly getting worse sucks. my AMC isn't getting worse, it can't. but every other condition i have can, and has been. my chronic pain has been making me need to take more frequent and longer breaks, my fatigue leaves me in almost a constant fugue-state, and that fugue mixes with my mental health conditions to make them worse to the point i've started having delusions again. i haven't had a paranoid delusion in over 5 years, and they've started happening again. and i cannot get help because of my family situation so i only have the resources available to me online to help me through this.
sorry for the dump, i'll try to make the next entry more positive.
i have been feeling so creatively dead lately. i don't know why. maybe my mental health is tanking and i just haven't noticed until right now? probably, that sounds right. it sucks that the central air in my house is so garbage right now that i can't even open a window without being nuked. i need sunlight. i need to get out of the house i think. i'm upset that i'm stuck in a routine that i can't break but i don't want to break said routine because i am one of those autists. i need something to do but school doesn't start until the 12th.
i can feel myself becoming more antisocial again and breaking away from calling and being directly involved with things my friends are doing anymore. i can't even get myself to open genshin lately, lol. i can't tell if thats a good thing or not. i'm too depressed to even play video games. maybe i'll get out of that once school starts up or something? i love school so maybe that'll actually do something positive on my mental health.
on a more positive note, i have been playing neko tomo: honwaka kazoku for the switch. i'm proud of myself to have gotten to a point i can actually play a fully japanese game and understand about 80% of it pretty easily. i plan to make a shrine for the tomo games because they're honestly some of my favorite and deserve much more attention than they've gotten. it's just really nice to open your virtual cat game and take care of them while they do cute and silly things. there's also kuma tomo, or teddy together, for the 3ds. it's the only game out of the 3 to be translated into english, but it was PAL exclusive. my 3ds is hacked though so that means nothing to me. i like my teddy bear game. :)
if i can find the energy i'll probably pick one of the precure seasons i've put on hold. probably smile! precure, it's probably my favorite. or rewatch tropical rouge since it's a big comfort for me. ok i'm just rambling now because i need to talk about happy things and not focus on the bad. good night, gamers.
on harrassment and the absolute state of neocities.
welp. callout culture takes its first victim on neocities. dokodemo left the platform after being harrassed for quite literally jokingly saying he was a pro shipper. this webmaster who opened up about his struggles with mental health and victimization is being called a pedophile, both here and on tumblr, because he dared to align himself with people who consider themselves anti-harrassment.
i'm making no claim here as to whether or not "pro shippers" are actually anti-harrassment. that's not my place because i am not a pro shipper and i don't care about this stupid, chronically online slap fight.
what i care about is an innocent person being driven away by the newest incarnation of purity culture because he vaguely gestured at a group some people have decided are "the bad ones."
most of this i've noticed has come from people who migrated here from twitter, tumblr, and tiktok. i want to make something very clear for these people:
your niche internet arguments don't matter here. people are not going to take you seriously, except others like you who came from TTT hell. you don't get to join a community like neocities and then get upset that we don't subscribe to the values of your chosen poisonous SNS or niche online circle.
the beauty of communities like ours is the diversity of thought and opinions, and that unlike on your favorite skinner box app, most of us are adults with the capacity to not send someone a death threat because they don't agree with us.
i have seen people 3 to 4 years older than dokodemo, who is 18, spam mother fucking crab rave at the fact they drove an autistic, mentally ill man of color off neocities. this is disgusting. these people are my peers. i'm ashamed to even think of that.
if i write any more i am just going to upset myself, so i am going to post this and be done with it.
before i go though, i'd like everyone to watch this great video discussing the pro shipper vs. anti shipper discourse. i feel it will put a lot into perspective if you don't know much about it.
P.S. if you are one of the people that is glad dokodemo is gone, feel free to use this very helpful feature neocities offers for such circumstances as this.
ok!!!!!! oh my god!!!!! i've gotten back into warrior cats and i have so many thoughts about the new arc. holy shit.
OK!!! i just finished river. i bought the book about a month after it release but didn't get around to reading it until... just now? and i finished it in a few days. warriors books are short usually so if i'm invested i blast through them pretty quick. and this book was very interesting.
before i really go into spoilers, can i say just how much i love the new protags??? warriors doesn't really do, for lack of a better word drama very well. it's never been good at going very deep into the lives of the cats outside of their relevance to the plot. it just seems like the cats never have friends or lives outside of their role in the storu or their clan. i think river does an insanely good job at this. nightheart and his struggles in particular hit pretty close for me, so i think i'd have to choose him as my favorite so far. i also love sunbeams plot that seems to fit almost too well into frostpaw's and riverclan's in general...
so like, curlfeather's death wasn't a coincidence, right? nobody in their right mind believes that her death was a coincidence? reedwhisker's also? unless something insane is revealed in the next book, we can very easily say that mistystar's death was the least suspicious in the entire arc so far. i have a suspicion that with the changes being made to the warrior code in this arc, some cats wanted reedwhisker gone. he was mistystar's son, so he'd obviously agree with his mother about the changes, and a few cats didn't want that.
i have an idea of a few cats that could be related to reedwhiskers (and curlfeathers) death. there's a lot of very specific information in the books that are obviously clues to the cats possibly responsible. i will list them below in order of likelihood!
splashtail: this is pretty much based off how he acted when frostpaw took her patrol to find reedwhisker, which he was a part of. despite frostpaw having been given a clue from starclan as to his location, and having no reason to doubt her, he consistantly tried to steer the patrol off course and discredit frostpaw to make her seem like a dumb apprentice. from scoffing when he's told she's going to lead the search, to openly saying "why would reedwhisker go where there is no prey?" when frostpaw finds the ravine where he died. all around, splashtail has been very suspicious this book and i think he very likely had something to do with reedwhiskers death.
mothwing: mothwing definitely knows more than she's letting on, and seems to be a bit too comfortable in her position as de facto leader. she doubts frostpaws connection to starclan and the signs she receives multiple times, as well as giving her tasks that realistically an apprentice should not be doing. although thats a characteristic of mothwing, she's a skeptic by nature and can't even communicate with starclan, and tends to be more on the "tough love" side of things, it's a bit surprising she'd do that to the cat she's supposed to be training as the next medicine cat of riverclan. the most damning piece of evidence is the fact she makes frostpaw wait to announce who starclan chose as leader until the next day under the guise of needing "more proof" than a literal curled feather dropped in front of frostpaws, well, paws. this could have easily bought her enough time to alert the others in this conspiracy to what starclan said, and set up the dog trap for curlfeather.
curlfeather: i feel like curlfeathers death was a trap. whoever is behind this didn't like that starclan chose her as the next leader and had something set up for her. the reason i'm suspicious of her in regards to reedwhisker is her dying words to frostpaw. "trust no cat!" said as her last message to her daughter. like, why would she say that? whats her reasoning unless she either knew of or was in on the plot against reedwhisker. did she just want to traumatize frostpaw more than she already was upon seeing a pack of dogs (mind you, something that has been used as a trap meant to kill cats in previous arcs) maul her mother?
lightleap: i don't think lightleap was directly involved with riverclans leadership crisis. she'd have no reason to be, she's a shadowclan warrior and a particularly young one at that. however, i do think she witnessed something. in the book, she's seen by sunbeam trailing off from the patrol they were on, and later emerges limping after sunbeam hears yowling off in the distance. but, due to their strained relationship at the time, lightleap just scolds sunbeam for following her and offers no explination for what she was doing. this yowling is never explained later in the book so i'm lead to assume lightleap witnessed reedwhiskers death in some capacity. shadowclan and riverclan share a border so it's very possible.
how many words did i just write about fictional cat politics? too many? ok.
before i sign off i just want to say i was in town today and i picked up SMT III for the switch and i'm pretty excited to play it. :)
we went to universal studios today! it was mostly just to get the special passholder magnets, but my dad hasn't been much since we got our passes, so we took him too.
we didn't end up doing too much there, actually. just went to the bourne experience, horror movie makeup show, then we rode E.T. and went home. but i'm quite a theme park buff so it was exciting to go to a park again! my family used to be disney passholders, but we cancelled them with the start of the pandemic. and frankly, from what i've heard recently i'm kind of glad we cancelled them.
in general, having been to both disney and universal now a handful of times, i can say i think i prefer universal. sure they aren't on disneys level of themeing and sight-lining where you're completely immersed in whatever section of the park you're at, but i think universal gives a better experience overall. especially to disabled people. a majority of their rides are either 4d, requiring at most a minimal transfer to get the full experience, or vehicle-based rides. the only vehicle rides i don't have to transfer out of my wheelchair for are E.T. and M.I.B. i'm not the biggest fan of M.I.B due to the game aspect being hard for me to do for different reasons, but it still gets points for not making me transfer. pretty much the only rides that are mostly inaccessible to me are rollercoasters.
not for lack of ability, i can probably get in most of them if i try but i am just not a rollercoaster person !!!
so, i have autism. not like the cute online twtblr version of autism where i make cute noises to stim and talk about my uwu cute special interests, no. i have self harming, meltdown/shutdown having, can't mask A.U.T.I.S.M and it isn't fun! not a lot of the time, anyway. i do take pride in my identity as an autistic person but i don't sugar coat the disorder. and i think i realized something recently that i have to get out in a blog post because thats how i solidify personal growth i guess?
anyway. this summer has been really busy for me. well, busier than i'm used to. we went to a convention out of town for a whole weekend in may, went to a theme park resort with a family friend for 3 days in june and i experienced some heavy personal loss in july. i haven't really had much time to recover from all of that yet, and my next semester starts on the 15th. not to mention right after the convention i caught covid and spent a week bedridden, which wasn't fun for me due to personal trauma reasons. and after life finally stopped using me as its personal punching bag i just felt numb and tired, like i needed to sleep for a month straight and pick back up later.
and then i remembered autistic burnout is a thing...
i don't often get burnout (at least i don't think) but when i do it hits hard. i've basically been in a fugue state while bringing this site back because, i think, i felt like i needed to have control over some aspect of my life because i felt out of control. moonview, and by extension neocities, did that for me so i'll be forever thankful for that. now that i recognize and understand what i'm going through, i really need to find ways to cope with it. but that'll be hard seeing as i barely know what i'm looking for. i'll be able to do it, though. hopefully i'll be able to get back to some area of normalcy before i start my new semester.
P.S. as i was writing this i got a bunch of pokemon cards in the mail! i am working on my next deck (yes i play the ptcg! i might write about it on the pokeshrine at some point,) which is a lunatone mewtwo VSTAR deck built almost completely out of the pokemon go set that just released. all of my VSTARS came on the same day which is really good, i already have all the mewtwo Vs i need so i just needed these and some more solrock/lunatones! ^__^
hello! as you can see, i updated the blog section a bit! :-D i like this layout of things a bit more, it really breaks up the entries, which i hope will lend to easier reading (for me and you!)
in the last blog i detailed how i got a mew from gen 1 into gen 4 so i could play with it in my pokewalker. recently, i got it in me to frankenstein it into a legal version of itself so i can trade it into newer games, if i want. and with new SV news i just very well might clone it so i can take my beloved ひごうほう (meaning illegal, thank you to tei kazami for suggesting that, i'll explain why it's in japanese in due time) with me to paldea this november! i just preordered pokemon violet digitally, so all there is to do is wait now!
here they are! again! ひごうほう is now considered a "legal" pokemon, meaning it matches a possible encounter from a japanese copy of pokemon emerald. specifically japanese, and specifically emerald, because i modeled them after the japan exclusive faraway islands mew that was obtainable in pokemon emerald via an event. PKHeX, the program i used to achieve this, has a strange problem when it comes to naming japanese pokemon with the english alphabet. it will give an error saying something like "nickname is blank" when using english characters. so, federal, FBI nor illegal could be considered valid names. i used the japanese word for illegal instead, to reference not only the original name ideas given by tei, but their origins as a pokemon.
there's probably something to be said that this mew is no longer considered my "original" mew from pokemon yellow, but a philosopher i am not, so i will leave that line of thinking to those who want to tackle it. i still very much consider this my original mew taking on a new identity in order to one day make it into pokemon home (when i can justify the purchase of a subscription to the service). in order to even to this, i had to use a program known as RNGreporter. very simply, what this does is generate PIDs (pokemon IDs) given certain parameters set by the user, such as their trainer ID and secret ID, and the game they are trying to get an encounter in. all i had to do was plug in the ID numbers and generation of game i was looking for, and then set the IVs and nature of the pokemon accordingly, and it's magically considered legal! this is quite an interesting topic to me, so i had a lot of fun figuring out how to gen legal pokemon using PKHeX.
one more thing before i go. i recently got my friend kayla onto neocities! i would like to promote her here and have some of you readers go check her out. she is starting a genshin impact diary on her page, where she talks about playing the game! (if you read it, i was the friend who got her into it *evil laugh*) she's currently learning HTML and CSS, so i let her borrow the layout of my site. please go support her at hanamizaka heroics!
how i scienced a mew from pokemon yellow into my pokewalker
recently, i got my hands on a GBxCART. it's a little PCB with a USB-C cable and a cartridge port that can connect to gameboy, gameboy color, and gameboy advance games. it's quite a neat little thing, i'm big on game preservation so i got it in order to back up my collection of gameboy titles. not only so i can play them on my PC and transfer the saves to my virtual console 3DS copies, but so i can do things as per the title. and boy, do i have a story.
now, there is a pokemon save editing tool online known as PKHeX. this is what i used for this experiment. first, i simply exported the save file of my pokemon yellow cartridge to my computer.somehow, this fried the save on my cartridge. i'll try to restore it tomorrow, but for now, everything is pretty much safe on my PC.
now, if you know anything about pokemon, you'll know mew is not normally obtainable ingame. this is correct! the even more knowledgeable will know there are glitches that can allow you to catch mew. this is what i did at around 4? years or so ago to get my mew. up until today he's been stuck rotting inside my copy of yellow, but tonight is the night i release him!
this is mew in PKHeX. so close to freedom he can taste it. unbeknownst to me, however, PK1 files can only be transferred into gens 2 and 7 using PKHeX, for some reason. you cannot transfer from gen 1 or 2 into 4, 5, or 6. most likely due to how the games calculate stats, i think. i wanted so deeply to take my mew with me in my 10 year old piece of plastic shaped like a pokeball that i recreated the mew as a clone in my backed up save of soulsilver. as i'm writing this, i am realizing i could have transfered from yellow to silver via the time capsule, then from there transfer the mew via PKHeX into gen 3, then pal park it into platinum and then trade it into SS. yeah, cloning it was probably easier.
here he is. i take all my photos for this site on my 3ds camera due to ease of transferal, so apologies for the quality, but. here he is. he will not be able to make the journey through pokemon bank, or pokemon home (he was a glitch in the first place, so he's considered an "illegal" pokemon) but i think he will be happy here in SS. after all, this game has his home region.
thank you to anyone who read this far! i have one final request; i want to give this mew a name. he's always just been called "MEW" i guess since 17 year old me didn't care enough to name it. i'll leave the name up vote and i'll pick the one i like. most likely there will only be a handful of options anyway so i'll take what i can get. again, thank you for reading. :)
i went to the antique mall up north today! got some amazing finds, too! i had found a bear mug i really wanted, but mom said we didn't have space in the cupboard so i had to say goodbye. is was so cute, too... i also found some 80s care bear plushies (of my favorite characters!!) but given that they were covered in a mysterious brown substance, i didn't feel that $20 was a good price for any of them... i did not leave empty handed though!
both of these were only $9.95! at least for pac-man world 2, that was a steal! for crash nitro kart, that seems to be the regular asking price. super happy with that! i got pac-man world 1 on ebay a while back (conveinently right when they announced the remake) so a copy of 2 will fit nicely into my collection. :) i also got something else today that i'm super excited about !!!
a pokewalker! words cannot explain how happy i am right now. i had my original pokewalker i got with my copy of soulsilver since day 1, took it with me everywhere and it even survived a move. i did eventually lose it though, on a trip to epcot one year. some kid probably took it, so i'm happy for them if they actually used it, by that time it was pushing a decade old. but i was devistated for a long time after i lost that. it genuinely is one of my favorite pieces of tech to come out of pokemon, besides the pokedex toys. i'm so happy to have my own again, it's hard to even put it to words! all around, really great day today! going to go hang out with family for a bit and then work on moonview some more. need to get the shrine page up and ready!
does anyone else ever just feel like, a sense of complete dread and you have no idea what caused it? that's me right now. just got back from game night at my local card shop (ended up getting my mom into ptcg, nice!) but now i just feel like i want to disappear. why??? ? ? i had a good night, there's no logical reason i should be having such bad anxiety right now. i know everyone there, i am helping my mom build a deck, i played genshin and will probably play kirby when i get in bed tonight. so why do i feel like there are bugs under my skin? it's all quite strange.
i hesitate to ascribe any real words to what i'm feeling because, actually it's probably because of the anxiety i am feeling right now. something deep in my mind is screaming at me even as i write this that i am going to get flooded with emails and DMs about "how dare you say you have ___ when you've never paid some random doctor $300 to test you for ___!! for shame!" but i know that's simply illogical and would never happen. is this paranoia? is this the actual definition of paranoia? because i think it might be. talking about it is helping though, i am very glad i started this blog. although while talking about it is helping me work through these feelings, someone in my mind is telling me i probably should not post this?
i sometimes use personifying words when describing my emotions because thats how they feel. it feels kind of like "inside out" where all my emotions are real, living people who have control over my meatsack and puppet me according to how they feel. i mean, my emotions certainly aren't easy to control, i can almost hear my "anxiety" talking in my head sometimes, like it's another person in the room with me, speaking to me. i think that's enough for tonight. sorry for the rambly blog, i needed to get this out somewhere.
first blog post on the new site! youpie! that's cause for celebration right? i sure think so! i got the new layout up and running within a day, so i'm pretty proud of myself for that. for its old layout, it took me multiple days and contacting others in the community for help to get it to the state it was in until i came back. that's worth something, i think. at least it's proof of how far i've come as a webmaster. on a bit of a more personal note, i want to be open and explain my sudden redesign.
for as long as i can remember i have struggled with the feeling that i have been living multiple lives. people will tell me things i have no memory of, or i will find evidence of it myself. moonview was one such piece of evidence. when i rediscovered this part of "me" back in 2019? 2020? it felt completely alien to me. not a sort of nostalgic lookback on my teenage hobby, more of a "why does this say i made it and kept it up since 2016, but i have no memory of making it?" type reaction. it was genuinely pretty scary. but, i liked the idea so "I" started using it, and i think the same thing happened just on the other end. that, and some as of this year recently resolved trauma, lead me to the administrative decision to remake moonview, or NOAgarden. my name is noa, by the way.
not only this, but social media has been stressful for me for years. my twitter mostly, in trying to grow a small audience through my art. drawing became more "what will get me the most traction" instead of "i deeply cherish this gift i was given, the talent to create images and stories and characters to express myself in ways i could never in meatspace." which is what brought me to the same decision as above, remake moonview, and add a hosting spot for my art. that way, it can be out in the world for people to enjoy forever, and not for the limited amount of time it takes to click "retweet" on a post.
these are my personal writings, updated whenever i want!
general CW, i can't know what i am going to write before i write it. it's up to you to decide when and if you need to stop reading something. it probably will never get that dark though, mostly personal musings and #JustWebmasterThings. have fun reading though!